the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
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Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑