Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
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[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much