Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
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How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
I never know how much to tip a cow.