[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
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Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
I saw this ending much differently.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.