9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
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ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked