I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
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Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
I love the National Park Service.