8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
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Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
This forever.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.