*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
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people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
A customer told me they were never coming back….
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
How all things should be taught/explained.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what