*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
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It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
I got soap in my shower beer again.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it