Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
You Might Also Like
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
This meeting could have been a cake
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
I have a new favorite meme page
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.