Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
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Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake