My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
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If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me