What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
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every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Breaking news:
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.