The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
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I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”