*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
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Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Great acting.. 😂
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.