Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
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fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.