What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
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My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
when dads have a rap battle
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”