i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
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There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED