It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
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My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.