damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
You Might Also Like
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
some Old Testament wisdom
Well, this certainly took a turn
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations