i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
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[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
*orders delivery*
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”