Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
You Might Also Like
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.