“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
You Might Also Like
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.