Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
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If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
💯😂
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.