[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
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[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Muppet Screams
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
getting groceries
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish