If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
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[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.