Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
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My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?