My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
You Might Also Like
Saturday
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
FRED: right
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.