All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
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My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?