Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
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For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.