You had one job 🤦🏻‍♀️
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Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
me: I think you’ll find my resumĂ© impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
adam and eve had first world problems
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.