ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
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Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Favourite diary entry ever
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.