BETRAYAL
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If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword