You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
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I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.