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Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
This is why I hate group projects
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”