Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
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I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Breaking news:
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Love it! 👍😂
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
pelicons
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?