Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
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FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
My patience has stretch marks.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.