“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
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when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
I needed a laugh this morning.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
This could’ve been an email.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
(more comics:
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.