Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
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I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Big Sex has us all fooled
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break