ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
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Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”