Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
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Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?