All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
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If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
had to make it
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG