I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
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Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
#Caturday
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run