A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
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I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”