If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
You Might Also Like
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?