“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
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Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.