I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
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[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
repaired
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her