When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
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Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌