-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
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Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
This sounds bad:
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.