*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
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Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.